Decided that I was done being depressed about the state of Enlisted development, or lack thereof, so I decided to write a fake April Fool’s update news post. Honestly, Darkflow (or the community management team by themselves) doing something like this and nothing else would have gone over better with the playerbase than what we actualy got.
I quite liked how it came out so I thought it would be a shame to sit on it all by myself, enjoy!
Making Enlisted a Better Place №69
Attention Commanders!
As part of our ongoing commitment to bringing you the most immersive and innovative World War II experience possible, we’re excited to reveal a series of critical updates arriving in our upcoming updates, carefully crafted based on your feedback, analytics, gut feelings, and possibly a spinning wheel in the office. As we have heard you feedback about past delays we have worked hard to expedite the process and can guarantee most of these changes will come just mere days before the heat-death of the universe!
Let’s dive into the changes you can look forward to!
NEW FEATURE: Soldier Fatigue System™
To better simulate the real challenges of warfare, soldiers will now become tired after sprinting for more than 6 seconds. Tired soldiers will:
- Move at reduced speeds and stamina recovery will be disabled entierly,
- Breathe audibly (to help friends locate the struggling teammates),
- And randomly mutter things like “Why are we still here? Just to suffer?”, “We’re a long way from Texas…” and “Can’t the enemy come to us for once?”
Players can remove fatigue by:
- Standing still for 20 seconds, or
- Purchasing an Chocolate Energy Bar from logistics, which can be equiped in the same slot as medkits and tools, (available for 69 Gold per bar).
EXPLOSIVE REBALANCE INITIATIVE™
We’ve listened closely to feedback about explosive spam and have taken decisive action:
- Grenades (both thrown and rifle launched) now cost 1 Silver per throw, and both tank and AT-gun HE shells will cost the same but in Gold,
- You can now watch an ad to get one free use of either a grenade of HE shell which can be done even during a match,
- Detonating TNT packs now triggers a pop-up asking, “Are you sure? This may disrupt the historical immersion of others.”
AI Behavior Overhaul
Our AI soldiers now:
- Prioritize running directly into open fields during air and artillery strikes,
- Ignore orders to instead practice push-ups outside main spawns,
- Occasionally get stuck in a trench having an existential crisis.
We believe this better reflects the unpredictability of real-life battlefield conditions.
Inventory Cleaning Initiative
To improve server performance, unused weapons and soldiers will now be auto-deleted every 7 days on Wednesdays unless:
- You pay a Preservation Fee in Gold, or,
- Send a handwritten apology to the dev team explaining why you didn’t equip them sooner.
Premium Immersion Bundle – “Historically Inaccurate, Yet Profitable” Edition
This limited-time premium bundle includes:
- A golden STG-44 (because why not),
- A squad of elite soldiers for the Soviets, complete with Stalinium weaponry and new voices all made by the same unpaid intern,
- Access to the “Early Exit Button™”—allowing you to leave losing matches with the same boost to XP gain as winning and without the normal penalties to leaving early.
Upcoming Spring Event: “Operation Paywall”
Join forces with your fellow players in this thrilling, limited-time event! Objectives include:
- Capturing paywalled points,
- Escorting a VIP wallet across the map,
- Surviving 12 waves of microtransactions.
Participation requires the Spring Pass, available in three tiers:
Standard, Premium, and Emotionally Broken Veteran™.
Final Notes
We want to thank our dedicated community for your continued support, constructive feedback, and sheer tolerance. We read every comment (except the angry ones) and look forward to ignoring them with style.
Stay tuned for future updates, including our Summer roadmap reveal: “The Road Less Traveled, Because We Keep Taking Detours.”
See you on the battlefield,
— The Community Management Team (now legally required to smile while typing)
